1. Q. What letter is always at the end of everything?
A. The letter "g".
2. Husband’s note on refridgerator for wife:
“Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn’t even know you liked beer.”
3. Q. How do crazy people get through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
4. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
5. Q. What do you call an Aunt who runs off to get married?
6. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
7. Q. Why didn’t the hotdog go to Hollywood?
A. Because there weren’t any good rolls!
8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
9. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
10. Q. What does a slice of toast wear to bed?
11. Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
A. Swimming trunks!
12. Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I’ll never part with it!
13. Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office ‘oomph’ of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.
“Well,” started Stallone, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.”
“Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,” replied Willis. “I’ll play him.”
“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Segall. “I’d like to play him.”
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. “Sounds splendid.” Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, “Who do you want to be, Arnold?” Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, “I’ll be Bach.”