Wednesday, August 15, 2001

sleep deprivation

i don't know where i am going or what i am doing.

i am feeling very behind again and unsure of myself. i don't know what path to take career-wise. i love art, but don't feel confident that it can pay my bills. i enjoy teaching but don't know if i'd enjoy it for the rest of my life and i can't even get a job in the field. i should have stayed with illustration, perhaps that would have gone somewhere by now. how do you choose the right path?

all my friends are going away or far away. *sigh* i am envious that they know what they are doing and wish i had some sort plan or goal. i don't know how to resolve this...

knight is so optimistic, so sweet, and so far away. i wish a company would just hire him, so he could be here. he grounds me. but being far away isn't as effective. we got into a disagreement which was my fault yesterday. i think my bad attitude took over our conversation.

he thought i was upset because he is tired at night. after i hung up the phone and pondered for a bit, i came to the conclusion that he being tired doesn't upset's that he doesn't have time for me during the week. this isn't his fault, it's just distance. during the day he works and works late....he doesn't call me until 10, 11 at night, and by then he is tired and falling asleep. and it's partially my fault because i look forward to talking to him all day, and when he is tired and isn't listening, it's a kind of let down. i don't know why i get upset and annoyed, in my previous relationship this was common when my significant other, wasn't tired. but it happens.

it's just another distance thing to be resolved when sweetie moves home. i feel awful for being upset, because he is tired...but it is annoying when he is obviously falling asleep, and not listening, but won't hang up and go to bed.

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