Wednesday, September 05, 2001

into the great wide open


i feel as if everything is a mess again, and as usual, i get the impression that it's all because of me. *sigh* i hate this distance.

i really feel like knight isn't always there for me. like, he might know what i am thinking and maybe what i am feeling, but he just...i don't feel enough response, reassurance, or... ?

i need the physical attributes too, and distance makes it impossible for him to do this for me. knight says this has never been an issue before, but i know i've previously mentioned it. i'll have to look through the old entries, maybe i've mentioned it here somewhere.

when i've had a bad day, i need to be held and reassured. maybe i just need to give up all that i'm doing and make a change. i'm just afraid that it'll affect the goals i need to fulfill career-wise and then i don't know where that'll leave me in the future. i feel like it'll make things harder in the future for us. but to be with him, isn't it worth it? i don't even know if this is the career path i want to follow as it is.

knight didn't get a job that he applied for. it sucks that i couldn't be there to make him feel better. had he been here or me there, i would have hugged and kissed him...and reassured him while staring into his eyes...then i would have suggested we go do something else to get his mind off of it. to make him feel better about it and himself. i need stuff like this. i'm such a physical person. i really needed something like that back with the school job i didn't get. i needed someone to hold me and let me cry on their shoulder. i needed someone to make me forget about it and smile, and feel good about myself. *sigh* i wasn't sure what knight felt about the whole thing. at the time, i felt like a failure, and all my confidence had gone out the window. while he told me that they sucked and i would get something better, i felt like maybe he thought i wasn't good enough either. i am still not sure what he thinks about me not being able to get a job. after tonight's conversation on the phone, i feel like he thinks i'm not good enough and not trying hard enough. and i am. i am playing the game the way i am supposed to... :'( *sob*

i love him and want to be with him forever, but i can't do this for another year. i am sorry that he can't deal with this. i don't want to throw this all away, but i am saying that something has to change. i can't handle him not being here. i can't handle only being able to talk to him at like 10:30, 11 at night when he is tired. by then, half the time i can't even remember all the things i wanted to tell him and talk about. and he is usually so tired from working all day anyway. it takes two people to keep a relationship working and i can't handle not being able to see and talk to him. i don't think i can talk to him at anytime i want, despite what he says and i can't read his mind either. like calling him while he is at lunch...and i'm supposed to know when he takes lunch how? it changes everyday, just like the time he goes home from work. i only call him when i really need him. he has made it clear that work keeps him busy, so i try not to disturb him and anytime i've ever called, it's been at a bad time.

he says he is giving and it's not making me happy. i feel like i'm giving too. i don't see him all week and i try to get all my stuff done so that my weekends can be devoted to him. i always try to put him first in what i do, i try to be here when i know he is going to call... i am supportive of him, i love him...i try and send him notes and e-mails during the day to let him know i love him...

i guess i should just go to's 1:30 and i have to get up at 7. maybe i'll write more tomorrow. maybe i shouldn't bother. i feel like i make an effort to let knight know what i am thinking and feeling and pretty often i send him e-mails or let him know...and i never get any response...this is why i feel like he isn't there for me. a few weeks ago, i sent him an e-mail or two describing what was going through my mind and things relating to us and he never responded and it was at a time i really needed reassurance. *sigh* maybe he can't be that person for me...i dunno.

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