Monday, January 22, 2001


i haven't been here in awhile. my intentions were to write write and write...but now that i am here, i do not know what to say.

i feel as if i am going to say all the things that everyone already knows and it almost seems pointless. (that i love knight, i miss him, i want to spend every day of my life with him).

i have a dido song stuck in my head. i think it is called thank you.

my tea's gone cold, i'm wondering why i got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window and i can't see at all
and even if i could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad

i drank too much last night, got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain
i missed the bus and there'll be hell today, i'm late for work again
and even if i'm there, they'll all imply that i might not last the day
and then you call me and it's not so bad, it's not so bad and

i want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life

push the door, i'm home at last and i'm soaking through and through
then you handed me a towel and all i see is you
and even if my house falls down now, i wouldn't have a clue
because you're near me and

i want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life


i think i fear that this garbage is going to continue for longer than we both anticipate. i have a feeling that m is a fighter. she's not going to give up easy. (i don't blame her, i'd be heartbroken if knight wanted to end things with me) is useless to fight for something that two people do not want. i think that i'm still being pretty good. i don't know how people would view me, but all i know is that i love him, and i want to spend the rest of my life with him...and if i need to be patient, i am going to try like hell.

it's very hard. i think i'm being pretty mature about the whole thing. very level headed. i think about all the girls, and stories i've heard about girls causing calling and hanging up, etc. i've tried hard to keep the relationship low key.

i've never felt like this about anyone. i feel like i've said this a hundred times, but i can't emphasize it enough. it amazes me how you can search the world for something only to find out that it was right under your nose the whole time. i couldn't get any luckier here. i didn't know that i could ever have love like this.

"blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl...the sweetest thing"

i feel like the relationship i have with knight far exceeds what i ever had with the ex...even with all the years that we had together. i have never felt so connected, nor have i ever known someone who could make me feel this way. i don't know how this is all possible. how could something be so perfect? how do i deserve this? how am i so lucky? to think that we almost didn't find this...

i know i was settling with the ex. i especially see it now. there were so many signs there...why did i ignore them? for one thing, there was a total lack of trust. do you know what i did? i once set up an e-mail address, with some service to e-mail the ex. i wanted to see if he was loyal, and i was going to flirt with him with this alias. well, i never got a chance to really test it. for one, ex didn't have regular e-mail access, and secondly, i felt awful about it. how jerky of a thing is that to do? but my point is, if i went to that extent to try and test him, doesn't that show distrust and wouldn't that tell me something is wrong?

that reminds me of that new show, temptation island. those couples that are on there are really ridiculous. "testing the strength" of their relationships? if they need to be single and see other people to test their relationships and committments, that should be a sign that things aren't good. it really kills me. both male and female partners go on dates with other people and get so upset when they see a glimpse of their partners with someone else. i remember a girl crying because she watched a video of her "boyfriend" with another girl. it was like, HELLO! you were just out on a date with another guy...what the hell are you crying about? what a dumb show. i can't believe i watched it.

it's 1:13 now. i wonder if knight made it home. i wanted to tell him not to leave...*sigh* but it's silly. it would only make him feel worse, and he has to go anyway. it's selfish of me.

hopefully i'll be working soon. all applications have been sent out...i have a new one to fill out for the one school. apparently i only applied to be a sub. who ever gave me the paperwork forgot to give me the application for a teaching position. i have heard that at this school district alot of positions will be opening up next year. at least 130. :) i don't know about any in my particular field but, we'll see.

i don't know what else to write about. i think i may be catching a cold or something. everyone has been sick around here at one time or another and i've managed to fight it off. maybe it's just because i haven't had much sleep, and haven't eaten well these past few days...i dunno. but i've been drinking my tea with honey and lemon...and extra orange juice. (that's what knight would tell me to do) hopefully i can stave it off. there's no one to take care of me if i'm sick, and i'll still have to cook and clean. *sigh* maybe i should go to bed.

i guess i'll end this for now.

No comments: