Saturday, December 23, 2000

thought currents

bleck. i say bleck not because i can't see knight, but because of who he is with. i mean i trust him and know that he's not going to be doing...inappropriate things but, bleck! i hate that he is with her. i can't wait until it is all over. is it jerky of me to feel sick over all this? am i being immature? i just hate the sneaking around, i hate having to hide how we feel about each other around here/home/anywhere where there might be people that he knows, i hate that she thinks (as far as she knows) that everything is peachy keen. i want to be able to hold his hand in public and look into his eyes and smile lovingly.


i am so in love with him. something he said to me the other night is sticking in my head. he was pretty glum and was apologizing for the "situation" and he told me that he "wanted me to be proud of him". for some reason that really touched me. i am proud of him. look at what he's doing...he is a good person, takes care of his family, is doing something with his life... so our relationship started off at an odd point. he blames himself...and i hate that. i hate seeing him down and feeling bad, and he was pretty upset that night. this is my fault as much as it is his. it takes two for a relationship to occur.

the whole thing made me want to cry that night. i was so good, but on the verge. all i could think about was what a shock it was going to be to m...when she found out. it brought tears to my eyes, a few even escaped. i felt like knight was on the verge of tears as well and that made me feel worse. and when he held me, in consolation, that made me want to sob because there he was feeling awful and now trying to make me feel better, i should have been trying to cheer him up. *sigh*

back to the being proud thing, being with knight makes me want to be such a good person. i mean, i feel like i could do better, i want him to be proud of me, and proud to be with me.

i've never felt so connected with anyone. sometimes i can't believe that this is happening. how did i get so lucky? sometimes i wonder if i am good enough for him. can i make him as happy as he makes me? i love the way that he makes me feel... so good about myself, makes me feel smart, does he do that? i wish i could show him, make him feel the way he makes me feel.

i could just go on and on. *sigh* how can i love someone so much? i feel like i could spend the rest of my life with him. that we'd be a good team. we have so many similar goals with just enough differences in our personalities and backgrounds that we could both add so much to a relationship. i think we would make a good team. i feel like we could accomplish anything together.

i don't know what else to say. guess i'll stop here for now.

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