Friday, November 10, 2000


not sure what to write. i guess i haven't written in a long time.

things with knight and i are very good. i feel so very close to him and in love with him. i feel like this is it. there can be no other relationship like this, and there will not be any other relationship for me...he is all i want and need and then i ask myself... am i crazy to feel this way? what is this "thing", this invisible bond? sometimes i am scared that he is going to slowly fade away again... only, this time it'll really hurt because my feelings are so much deeper for him.

how is it that i can imagine us together in the future? i wonder if what i am feeling is what people wait their whole lives to feel? how is it that i am lucky enough to find it now? how come i didn't realize it before? i guess i kind of did, but the opportunities weren't there for things to develop.

the ex used to discuss marriage and while i thought about it, i could never see myself committing to it with him, or committing to him. with knight i can imagine it. i feel kind of...silly, like i am admitting silly "girl" things, but i can picture being married and i can imagine having kids, i want to have his children and want to see him as a dad. *sigh* maybe i am crazy.

knight has been discussing a career move. i wonder how soon it will happen. i will be glad when he and m won't be living together anymore. i will be able to write and call, and visit knight. he may be living closer to me. i miss him. we are lucky in that we get to chat everyday that makes the distance thing much easier...but it would be awesome for him to be close enough so that when i was really missing him, i could see him for a few hours.

i feel like there is so much i want to talk about with him, and so much i want to know. so much i want to tell him, and so much i want him to know about me, and places i want to show him. i want to take him back to my college, and i want him to meet my family (not just immediate) but all of them, even the jerks. today we were discussing such deep issues, but then i had to leave. i was so annoyed...i just wanted to talk and talk with him. i feel like i can't get enough of him.

i wonder if i can make him happy. i wonder if i am what he is really looking for. i don't want him to have any regrets, i just want him to be happy. *smile* i just thought about his smile. he is so sweet. i want to hold his hand, and kiss him, and rest my head on his shoulder.

hmmm. i guess i'll end this for now. i'm a bit's late.

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