Friday, October 20, 2000

tears for fears

“where did we go…days when the rain came….”

Van Morrison (Brown-Eyed Girl)

What is wrong with me today? I am feeling pretty blue and I am not sure why. I just feel like crying. I think it’s stress.

It took forever to get a hold of my cooperating teacher for my second placement…and when I finally got a hold of her, she didn’t sound very enthusiastic at all. She is turning me off of this whole experience. I was looking forward to being with the little kids, but I am worried about working with her.

Talked to the ex today on the phone. His grandmother is very ill and I haven’t talked to him in a few days. He seemed very distant as he was talking to me…too cordial. As if he were talking to one of the clients that calls the company. I was telling him about the conversation I had with the teacher and how she sounded like she was annoyed by my calling, and he said something about knowing how that felt. “I know how that is.” I was stunned and sat for a minute…and then I said, “I’m sorry, if you don’t want to talk, I’ll go.” And he said that if he didn’t want to talk, he would’ve told me that. But it hurt my feelings. He said he was just kidding about the last remark. But, after knowing him for all these years, it didn’t sound like he was kidding. I know he is under a lot of stress…and I hope that that’s all this is. Maybe our friendship is dissolving.

I wish there was someone home to chat with. Not even necessarily home here at my house, but home. I need to go out anyway. I have to buy my mom a birthday present, get some shoes, do a few other things. It’s just more fun to have someone to do those things with. I’m not feeling well either. My chest feels a bit congested today. Maybe I’ll just go and take a shower.

My student teaching class was interesting last night. People showed children’s art work and we discussed a lot of class management stuff…but mainly people complained. They asked a lot of drawn out, stupid questions too. Okay, I am not the greatest teacher, and I need more experience, but alot of the questions asked, people could’ve solved themselves. One girl was talking about how she has this awful boy in her class…She spent like eight minutes telling about all the horrible stuff he does, what she found out about his family…etc. etc. etc. and then she says that there are other boys in the class that influence this one boy. When they say shut up, he does, etc. etc. etc. because they are the cool boys of the class. She was like, “what am I supposed to do with this one boy?” It was like, duh, you answered your own question. If the boy respects these other boys, what she should do is pull one or two of the “cool” boys out and speak to them separately. She should tell them that they are such good workers and really praise them, and then ask them if they would do a special favor for her. She then tells them that she’s noticed that, Mr. So and so is having a hard time and wondered if these boys or boy wouldn’t mind helping him out once in awhile. If they seem hesitant then mention that she’d be willing to add a few bonus points onto their grade for doing this. With younger kids, this kind of stuff works. It seemed like a lot of people were trying to get some sort of sympathy or reaction too. I dunno. I don’t speak out too often in class. I like to listen and take it all in and usually don’t give a comment unless I think it might clear up an area where people are confused or unless I have a new perspective. Sometimes I’ll answer a question my professor asks.

I wish I were seeing knight today. In a normal environment. I need to research ice rinks so that the next time we see each other, we can do a normal kind of activity.  Normal. Weird. I am typing this entry on microsoft word and when I typed out a colon and hyphen to make a smiley face, word made it into a real smiley. I have been trying to get my yahoo messenger, which has the capabilities to do this, to do it forever with no success. (I just noticed as I transfered Word to diaryland, that the smiley didn't come with)

"Blue eyed boy meets a brown eyed girl...."

U2 (The Sweetest Thing)

I had a dream last night that I was on my way to meet knight somewhere in Buffalo, and all these obstacles kept me from ever reaching him. I ran into my aunt, then I was at school, then I was walking…all these weird things. All the time I was worried that I would get to where he was and he’d be gone.

Well, now it’s 11:30. The ex called me back. I think he felt bad about the conversation we had. He wanted me to meet him for lunch, but he has lunch at noon and it was eleven when he called. I could’ve made it to meet him, but he asked me to pick something up. I asked him what he wanted and he listed about 5 different things and said any of those are fine. I asked if he could be more specific since it was eleven and I needed to get clothes on yet, and we had a mini kind of argument until finally he said, I guess I’ll just stop by and see you after work and we both hung up as I burst into tears. It was the topper to my “good mood” today.

Well, for the 2000th time, I guess I should get my butt in gear. Now my nose is stuffy from crying. I need to get out of the house. Maybe I’ll run into someone I know somewhere. Maybe I’ll run into someone I don't know. I think that perhaps this is everything from the past 6 weeks accumulated. My parents arguing, stress of school, the relationship thing, being sick, not sleeping enough, etc. etc. etc. That’s probably why they give us this day off. To relax and get rid of all these past feelings that I wasn't able to completely release. Maybe I should take a year off to be a writer. I enjoy sitting here, thinking and typing. I don’t know if I’d be successful.

"Nobody's real but they're willing to let you know...."

Powerman 5000 (Nobody's Real)

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