Wednesday, October 18, 2000


bleah. i can't concentrate. i've been trying to do homework that is due thursday to my student teaching seminar but to no avail. i just feel distracted and tired.

chatted with knight today. i don't like the way it went. he was in a bad mood and was very disagreeable. maybe i was reading a few things the wrong way as well. i hate the fact that you don't get the full effect of conversing through chat. i need those body language cues, eye contact, tone of voice kinds of things that are hard to pull from black and white (or red). even with the simple word oh.

oh. (like, oh my goodness)

oh. (like, i did not realize)

oh. (like, yeah well, i don't care)

two letters and a dot, can be taken so many different ways. it's hard to tell sometimes what point the other person is trying to get across.

friday night knight(i almost disclosed his name) and i hung out. then we had to pick up his dad. his dad was really funny. not what i expected. i thought he'd be some really serious kind of a guy. (don't know where this preconceived notion came from) then again, his location could have had something to do with his being so happy....but anyhow...

he was very nice to me. i(we)found out that he's read a lot of these journal pages which is weird. at first i was shocked, then i found it humorous. now i wonder what he thought of them. how does he see the situation knowing his son's opinion and my perspective?

knight was brave. (imagine that! a brave knight!) anyway, he dropped me off in my own driveway. this is a big feat for him because he has this huge fear of my parents. (there is no reason for this) it has to do with the past and of the three, he is the only person to even think about it. i don't understand the fear aspect of it. whilest we were younger he wanted my parents to like him. they wouldn't let me see i don't know where the fear factor comes from. if he wanted my parents to like him, the first thing he should do to get noticed is, show up. make some sort of a presence. i don't know what he is afraid of. if anything his retained feelings should be to prove them wrong and show them how great he is. (which i already know)

so anyhow, he actually pulled into my driveway to drop me off. he kissed me while in my driveway where, if my parents had looked out, they would have seen. he also shouted to me as i walked away. i was so proud of him. i used to think that he didn't want to come to my house because somehow it was related to his feelings for me. but friday i thought, "wow...he really does care about me and isn't afraid to show it."

while he and i were chatting, knight said, "let's not talk about the "situation", m, or stocks and all would be good." it was like, well, what should we talk about? i guess i wasn't sure what he completely meant. by the situation, i felt like he didn't want to talk about our relationship. i can understand not wanting to talk kabout m and the stocks. but, he was in such a bad mood...i knew work couldn't be talked about. i was a little annoyed for some reason by all this and hurt too. but, everything that he listed was part of his everyday life and i wondered, what are we supposed to talk about? our chats can't always just be about how we feel about each other and holding and kissing. i know this is a big deal over nothing and a line i mis-understood, but i am tired and this was my perspective at that time. might as well get it down.

blah. i guess i'll go to bed. i'm tired.

i was thinking today about how i felt so in love and happy. i ran into a girl from school yesterday an she was telling me that she bought a house with her husband. i just wanted to gush about knight but i couldn't. i just stood there thinking about the way he makes me feel and how wonderful he is...but how i couldn't say a word about our relationship due to the nature of his current status. i just want to tell the world how wonderful i feel and how in love i am.

okay, enough for today. i'm going to post this without checking grammar or anything.

okay, i need to go

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