Sunday, October 15, 2000

lucky day

friday the 13th turned out to be a good night after all. i got to see knight again. :) that in itself is fantastic. but i think it was the best night we have spent together yet. it's hard to explain. i felt very close to him. comfortable, more so than ever before. i felt like things were normal. like, the whole "situation" almost didin't exist. and althought he was sick, he was still wonderful. very loving, gentle, and caring. he said the best things that he could ever say, to reassure me and make me feel like things were normal. at one point as he was holding me, he softly said, "everything's going to be allright." it felt so good to hear that and i believe(d) him.

he told me that everytime that he sees me he thinks he falls more in love with me. thinking about that now gives me butterflies in my tummy. i don't know if anyone has ever said that to me before. what a sweetie. i feel the same way about him. each time, i see more and more characteristics of his personality, that i adore. i know he'll ask me later, like what? trying to make me feel comfortable, caring for his dad, thinking quick on his feet, risking his life to see me(that sounds dramatic but if he got caught somehow friday, consequences would be hell for him) and just accepting me for who i am and liking me.

i was thinking that maybe this situation isn't all that bad. (well, with the exception of another person being involved) i mean the distance thing. i was thinking this morning that, it forces us to get to know each other, first in black and white (or what ever my text color happens to be) and when we do get to see each other, it is a complete and wonderful experience. if we are destined to spend the rest of our lives together, i don't think we'd ever take each other for granted, knowing what it was like before. maybe this doesn't make sense. in my head,i know what i mean.

i do miss knight, now that it is sunday and he is going home. but it's not like before. i know i will see him soon. he needs to do his thing(job), and i need to get my thing(school)done.

occasionally i have doubts, fears? about this whole thing. i wonder if, all the things that knight says to me, he says to the other one? with me he is so sincere and honest, i feel that there is no way that he could do that to us both...but i wonder how he keeps things going at home. i mean, he can't just ignore does life go on there? how do they treat each other? sometimes this inhibits me from saying things to him. while we are together everything will be fine, when suddenly i get gripped by an anxious feeling and wonder if i should say or do what ever it is i was saying or doing. and i feel bad. i want to be completely honest with knight. i feel like i too love him more and more everytime i see him. i think these little inhibitions are subsiding...but still sometimes they are there.

hmmm. i have so much more that i want to discuss, but i am out of time...i guess i'll have to continue this later or tomorrow. let me just leave myself some key words to remind myself. drop off, dad, strength, safety, chatting, my home.

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