disbelief

i can not comprehend just how far things have come. back when i knew knight in high-school, i always imagined that we'd be together for eternity. i thought we "clicked" back then. but so much happened to deter it all. the thing with my parents thanks to the jerk from down the road, going away to sicily and coming back to find knight with someone else. just when my parents were softening from the whole jerk-boy thing.

so, we didn't speak for a few years. i still thought about him all the time. i wondered if i'd ever be lucky enough to have another chance with him. *here it is another chance, to face the day, wide awake, your dream is over, ...or has it just begun?* during my freshman year of college, i sent him a letter. that's where everything started. getting to know him all over again. i had feelings for him then, but circumstances didn't really allow for us to be together. he was far away and had a girlfriend, and i was in and out of relationships. but i thought about him all the time.

now there's this. what is this? i feel like i have never felt so much love for another person. i'm not sure what it means for me to say this. do i have the right to say this? i ask myself is it love? in the past 5 years, we've seen each other...three? four? times. how can this be love? i am afraid to even say it. i hate people who use that *term* so loosely and throw it around. but if it isn't love...what is this that i am feeling?

are we meant to be together? would it work out? maybe he is meant to be with his current "love". it would be awful for him to throw that all away if it is truly meant to be. i'm not totally sure what his feelings are for her. i also feel terrible because i feel i have committed this huge crime against this person i do not know. at the same rate, i am jealous. jealous that he will go "home" and she will be there. it makes me sick to my stomach. i keep having flash images of him kissing her and holding her, and it brings tears to my eyes. but i KNEW what i was getting into. i KNEW the situation before i let myself...before we...did all that we did. he has no obligations to me.

the thought crossed my mind that to a casual observer, i must look like a fool, and a "homewrecker?". messing around with someone who is in another relationship. sounds like one of those "other woman" stories. but i don't feel it is like that. it really isn't. i don't know how to explain it all but i just have to say, it is totally not like that.

i can't stop thinking about him. i need to stop this and get some work done. but i don't want to. i hate not having anyone to talk to about this. what am i supposed to do?

i think i am over-reacting again. i guess i just need to step back and relax. he's on his way home now. i can't run down to see him, and he can't be here with me. maybe it's better that way. he needs to figure out what he has to do. maybe this thing with his lady will work out for him. i only want him to be happy. if that happens i wish the world for him. maybe we aren't meant for each other. perhaps we are both destined to be with people we have not met yet.

the fact that we are so connected makes me wonder if i am wrong in that last statement though. there seem to be so many things that seem to point us in the direction to be together. but, it could be the universe/fate playing a cruel joke.

*sigh*

in my last realtionship which lasted off and on for six years, i have never felt the devestation that i felt in speaking to him before he left. being away at college, there were times i missed my family and friends, and boyfriend. but not like this. it's as if a part of me is missing. i find myself thinking about him almost every minute of the day. is this healthy? i think it is in the uncertainty of the situation, and not knowing when i will see him again. damn five hours!

i feel there is so much more i want to say, but i need to collect myself. i have about 2000 ideas, thoughts, and feelings running through my mind. i know that i have left so much out....but, it will come back and i'll place it here as soon as i can. i need to catch up on my work. i can't fall behind right now.

before he left, i wanted to tell him that i loved him. but i didn't. i'm hesitant to even write it here. (knowing that he will read this) with all that i wrote about love up there... and i don't know if it is appropriate and i don't know if he has such feelings for me. i mean, it was one of the greatest feelings i have felt in a long time, yesterday, when he said to me, "i think i am falling in love with you." my heart was pounding, and my stomach flip-flopped. it got this fluttery feeling. i still have it now as i think of it. but to say, "i love you" is a BIG thing. and i don't know if his feelings are that strong. i don't want to seem, pushy? or over-assertive? or crazy? to him.

okay. i really need to go. i've said an awful lot here. i hope it all makes sense.