something that knight said to me has been stuck in my head, "aquarians need time alone". i'm not exactly sure why he said it. he told me he didn't know. it was in relation to our "distressed" conversation on friday. i'm thinking that maybe he's annoyed by me, even though he won't admit it. i have never...missed anyone so much, never been so consumed like this before. i'm thinking that, even though he is far away, maybe i'm too dependent on him.
i've been sitting here the majority of the night writing in a notebook. i've been trying to figure out what my problem is. i've been upset half the time and i am not sure why. (is that a sign of depression? being upset for no particular reason?) anyhow...one of my theories is being too dependent.
it seems, my life revolves around the time i can talk to knight. i am not sure how to explain that. everything revolves around when HE is available. when i can see him, talk to him...i mean, i work and do stuff around here...but basically everything centers around when i can chat with him. but then again, chat is the...it's the center of our communication...and not knowing when or if i'll see him again...to me it is important.
perhaps i need to get another job, or to take up a class, or to start something. something to occupy my mind so that i'm not dwelling. i used to be more active. friday and saturday nights i used to go out...but now here i am at home which is silly...there is no chance that i'll see or talk to knight but it's as if, i hope? i mean, i would much rather talk to him, then go out, but the chances that i'll get to talk, are close to none. maybe i should go to buffalo, or the pool hall?
i don't know why i am having such a hard time dealing with this. while i dated the ex in college...i was lucky if i got to talk to him, once a week. he rarely called, never wrote... i went out and did stuff all the time, with my friends and by myself. why am i so consumed with missing knight? why am i having such unhappy thoughts? i'm not losing hope am i? losing sight of the big picture among tiny details? *sigh* i just feel tired. maybe i've been doing too much thinking. why can't i handle this?
i think i need new friends. i have few at home...and those that i do...we are on different schedules and lead different lives. it occoured to me also, that i have no one to talk to about the whole situation. l is too far away, k i think, although she is happy for me, doesn't understand the situation...i have no one to vent to outside of this. with everything in my life...i used to confide to the ex. but now, i don't have anyone outside of the situation to discuss the things that are most on my mind.
i am not even sure what i am upset about. i don't know what is making me miserable. maybe it's cabin fever from being pent up in this house, sick. i haven't really done anything fun in awhile. maybe i'm crazy. maybe it's just that i don't know how to act. i've never been in love like this, and never had to deal with the issues that go along with it.
"did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there...?" (train)
i feel like doing something brash or bold, feel like doing something crazy. but at the same time i'm rationalizing at the same time. i just had scissors in my hand and i thought, what if i cut my hair? what if? i'd be pissed off tomorrow, that's for sure. i'd really regret it.
i'm not angry or upset at knight. i think it's life. i know he is doing what he can and following all the steps. i always considered myself a patient person, but perhaps i'm impatient after all. maybe this some sort of a test for me. i suddenly was struck by the lyrics to, "no one is to blame" by howard jones:
You can look at the menu but you just can't eat
You can feel the cushions but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment but you can't commit the sin
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules
And live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can't reach it
It's the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
i don't know why i feel the need to post all this here. i guess just cuz it's on my mind, i am tired of writing and have nothing to do. bleh. so here it is. i'm thinking though that i shouldn't post. perhaps it should be like one of those letters that you write to someone that you tear up and throw away when you're done with...
maybe i just need some more reassurance. assurance that what i am doing with school and work is right...assurance that everything is going to work out okay. assurance that this for real. in the past two days i have felt such highs and lows...it is so bizarre. i have never felt so...out of control in my life.
*sigh* i dunno. guess i'll stop.
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