Monday, April 16, 2001


yuck...i hate being sick. this has been such a bad year for illnesses. can't i just be healthy? i've been drinking tea with honey and lemon and although mentally, it makes me feel better...physically, i don't think it's helping my throat. i used this mentholatum stuff to try and help my chest congestion and today, i'm not so sure it helped.

it's almost the end of april...then may will be here...summer is around the corner. time is flying. i guess that's good. but at the same can be not so good. this weekend passed so quickly...i almost don't even remember what i did. almost like it was a dream.

knight was home. he came home on thursday night. sitting here, i am having a hard time remembering what we did. i think we just spent time together. man, it's like a dream, when you can only remember bits and pieces. ah-wait-we met on the road, where all this began again. *smile*

friday was fun. perhaps the best day of the weekend. we had to take a trip to take care of stuff with knight's dad and brother...but we had some time to kind of hang out, hand hold and smile. the whole weekend we didn't really get a chance to do anything that didn't involve a lot of running around for someone or doing something for others. i mean, we didn't do anything, any kind of activity that was for us. with the exception of late night escapades. we don't really ever get much time to do anything together. skating used to be an opportunity...

i don't know how i am supposed to feel. i just want to see him and be with him, so i go along on all his errands and jobs, but i kind of feel like i am tagging along. does it make a difference if i am there or not? would i be better off just staying at home and out of his way? but if i stay at home, then i'd never get a chance to even see knight at all. *sigh* it'll be nice if he moves home.

i had a pretty bad asthma attack on saturday. i haven't had one that bad in months. it's pretty scary. a tightness in my chest, feeling like there is a heavy weight on me. i do not get enough oxygen-and can not take a deep breath. then, i start coughing...because i get this gagging, choking's awful, especially when i start feeling light-headed.

knight was very sweet and took care of me. better than anyone has previously. nothing can really be done for me, and it just has to pass...but knight gave me water, and held me, tried comforting me and keeping me warm. typically no one knows what to do... but he was so loving.

i had a bad attack two days in a row-and now i am sick. bleck. it sucks.

i feel bad, cuz i also cried two days in a row. i just felt frustrated on saturday night. knight and i did lots of running around all day and then i had the stupid attack, and then we had only about 45 minutes to spend by ourselves. and it all started with a stupid comment i made-which had nothing to do with knight's abilities, or capabilities-but just referred to the fact that we were both tired, had already expended a lot of energy with an activity, and when knight wanted to try that activity again, in my mind i didn't think it was worth it because of things knight had said-and how tired he seemed.

when my thoughts turned out to be true-knight said something to me and i blurted out, "i knew this would happen". and he took it the wrong way. and when i tried explaining...things just got worse. then later i made the mistake of making the comment about it being a "blah day". *sigh* everything just, in my mind became a mess-and i had to be home-and i just wanted to stay with him, i just wanted that alone time where the attention was actually based on us and not just momentary glances or quick squeezes- and it was sunday...and he would be leaving-so i just broke down and began crying.

sunday was easter. it was alright. knight came to my family's house which was nice. it was also nice not to be on a schedule. kind of anyway. i felt like there was so much knight had to do, so we left.

and then at the end, i cried again. it came down to either coming home or sitting, with knight's family while they ate easter dinner-and i wasn't hungry. i felt the beginning of an attack coming on, and i knew that at knight's house he'd still have to pack and stuff...and i just didn't feel like sitting again...just so i would have a chance to see him. i thought it was better for him to visit with his family and pack, without me there. i also had to visit my mom's family. but i was torn because he was leaving and i wouldn't be able to see him for a few more weeks. *sigh* so-like a jerk, i cried.

to make matters worse-after he left, i fell down the stairs. i was light-headed from not being able to breathe, i grabbed for the railing for support, stumbled and fell down the last four to five steps. i hurt my hip and back. i feel like such an idiot.

well...i don't know what else to say. guess i'll stop here. maybe i'll write more later.

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