Sunday, April 01, 2001

late night

i had such a good day on friday. i got to teach in a great classroom during the day and knight came home earlier than usual.

what a sweetie, huh? he drove 5 hours and then another hour so we could catch an art show at my previous college. i wasn't very impressed. (with the show, not knight) maybe the second show will be better. (april 20th) there were a few paintings that i enjoyed...and some illustration, but it was mainly graphic design work.

the best part of it all, was that knight was with me. *smile*

we had such a beautiful evening too. i feel like i can't get enough of him. *sigh* i got home late again, at like 5 am. i hate leaving him. i just want to stay with him. i hate not knowing when i'm going to see him again. i hate that he has to leave me.

i got to see him a bit today too. we didn't really get to do anything, but i was happy to just see him at all. when it came time for him to go...i felt really sad. it was so dumb. i knew i would only get to see him one day and i prepared myself for it. one day is better than no day. and i thought i was okay with it...but after he left, i cried. i don't know what my problem is. i'm teary now, thinking about it. i love him so much.

when i was away at college...there were times when while dating the ex, i cried after he left, or when he had to leave...but it was nothing like it is with knight. i feel so awful when he leaves, i can't even describe it. i just feel dread. maybe i can't handle the distance as well as i thought. i thought i could handle the distance, based on my previous relationships...but seeing as this relationship exceeds all others, it makes the distance different and perhaps i can't handle it after all.

but, it's almost over. we've made it this far...

i was a bit dismayed. knight promised me that he would do no computer work while he was at home this time. when he promised he told me that he needed to work on the webpage for his dad, and that's ok. it's not like the usual stuff he does. but then, after leaving me because he had to go to rochester, he was at a friend's house for hours working on computer stuff, breaking that promise. i guess i am kind of jealous that the friend got to have so much of knight's time too... *sigh* isn't that awful of me? knight had asked me if i felt cheated this weekend. i told him no and wondered if he felt cheated, or why he asked me that. but perhaps i kind of do. he is so close. only like...2 hours at most away...and i can't be with him. but i am happy that he is with his friends. he doesn't get to see them very often.

when knight moves home, i feel like it won't be so bad. i can see him more than one weekend a month, and so can his family and friends. he won't have to cram seeing and doing 2000 people/things into 2 days. i wish i could spend a weekend alone with him away somewhere.

speaking of promises...i was thinking earlier about the promise that my ex broke. why didn't i see then what kind of person he was? and of course it wasn't the last promise he broke. i hate that. when i give my word, i stick to it. and he continually did it to me. i don't even know why i am even thinking about all that garbage. it's all over with him, none of it matters anymore.

i'm bored. i called all my friends who are at home...and they are all busy or not home. i even called the ex, to return the call he made to me yesterday, but his gram informed me, "he's out for the evening." blah. so, here i am. i guess i should just go to bed. it's 11:44pm. my chest is congested, yet again and i have ANOTHER headache. i'm having a lot of trouble breathing. i really think it's my parents smoking. perhaps if i get a full time job next year, i'll move out just for my own health reasons.

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