Monday, September 11, 2000


well, i was a bit confused by the last entry i put in here. i had no recollection of putting it here...and could not for the life of me...remember where it was from. duh! it's an oasis song. one of my favorite of theirs.

i've been feeling kind of blah. i'm just not sure whether i'm coming or going. i don't know if this school thing is what i want...i haven't done very much work yet. i'm wondering if i can just slide by. i don't really feel like wowing anyone. i mean, i'm not slacking, i've stayed on top of my work...i even started a new bulliten board idea, artist of the week but...i dunno.

i guess i've felt blah about myself too. i think i suffer a bit from low self-esteem, but lately i just haven't felt like i can find anything good about myself. i hate feeling this way but haven't been able to pick myself up and out of it. it's awful. one problem stems from the old issue of weight which i feel i have no control over. it just goes up and down and i can't keep it down. somehow i just can't find the motivation or time to really work on it either. i don't know what my problem is. i have a problem, i've acknowledged(sp?) it, know how to fix it...but can not do it. or am not disciplined enough to do it...or....?

what is wrong with me? probably just hormones. :(

i'm not a big people person. i'm thinking that if i have to be a teacher don't i have to be a people person? isn't it part of the job description? lately i have felt fake. saying all these positive things about being excited about teaching and looking forward to taking control of the classes and such...when really...i don't want to. it would be one thing if it were just me doing what i want to do...but i hate doing what the teacher tells me to. i just want to do my own. she is a great teacher and has good ideas...but she's pretty set in what she wants to get accomplished. she says she's open to ideas but i feel like she doesn't really want to change much.

if it were just me, maybe it would not be so bad. but instead it's me out to impress the world at the school and i don't feel like doing it. i especially am not looking forward to knocking the socks off at the next "prestigious" school district i'll be going to.

but, it's too late now. i have only about three months left. it would be stupid to quit now. really dumb. and default on aid? i think not. so i guess i have to suck it up. we can't always do things that we like, right?

i don't know what to make of this...relationship? romance? love? infatuation? situation either. it's one bright side of my gloomy days...but is it really a bright side? i guess it's bad timing. wrong bat time, wrong bat channel? even worse for he. my life is pretty flexible. after i graduate, i just need to find a job and start paying off bills. maybe not. maybe i should join an intership type of organization like americorp. maybe i should travel for a bit. i don't know.

i don't know what i want to do in life. i know that my main goal is to be in love, married happily and have children. i don't care about much else. i just haven't found my calling yet though. it would be nice to take a year off to just write and have something published. i feel like i need/want to do something to make people feel. i don't know how to explain this...

i guess that's all i feel like tapping out for now. this is long enough anyway.

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