Saturday, September 23, 2000


last night i had a wonderful dream. knight came home for the weekend and we got together. i met him over on elderberry lane for old times sake. we walked and talked and got soaked by the rain. then we sat in his truck talking, and holding each other, and being *love-y* for hours. :) i was so sad when i had to come home. i could've stayed there forever.

wait a minute...that wasn't a dream! it really happened. it sure feels like it didn't happen. it was too perfect. so perfect i'm scared. what happens now? what does this mean?

it was nice to walk with him again. he was so very sweet and took my hand. my hands were chilly and he took one and put it into his pocket with his. then it started raining and we hurried to his truck. it poured on us! but it was really funny.

i never imagined how wonderful the night could be. i mean, i had some ideas about how we would be around each other. but the night far exceeded my expectations.

all the feelings i had/have for him, are stronger. everything that i thought about him..... ? he was so gentle, and sweet, and loving. holding each other and touching each other seemed natural. as if we'd been that way for years. i wish we could've fallen asleep together.

now i'm confused. not about how i feel. i know how i feel about him...but i'm confused as to whether i should feel this way. things are worse for my poor love who is in a tough predicament. i feel i probably made things worse for him.

i also know that i miss him terribly. i feel like life is going to be...(this is going to sound so...over-dramatic but)life is going to be tougher. i am here and he is farther away from me. he can't just stop what he's doing and be back here. i can't stop what i am doing and go there.

i'm very afraid. i'm scared that he is the one i'm supposed to be with. that doesn't scare me, what scares me is the circumstances that are surrounding the idea. what if we can never be together?

i can honestly say that i love him. perhaps reading this, he'll be scared away. but, i am not going to deny it or hide it. i never stopped loving him, and seeing him, being around him makes me love him even more. whether we end up together or not...i don't know if i could ever stop loving him. his humor, intelligence, love...(these are in no particular order...) :)

*sigh* what do i do now?

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