Tuesday, August 22, 2000

big weekend

so much has happened this weekend. the current love and i are no longer together. we're on...a vacation as he put it. he tried to be funny "...maybe it'll be a short vacation, maybe it'll be a permanent vacation..." we spent two days going back and forth. stay together and work it out or separate and see if it can be worked out. we had no idea how to fix the problems...and decided that it would be easier to take a break with the possibility of getting back together, rather than staying together and resenting each other.

this has been coming for awhile. the discussions we had were over the same old things we always had problems over. i don't know why i decided to get back together with him. i should've known things would turn like this. all these things have been building and i've just kept them in until saturday.

there has been no real intimacy between us for awhile...no real affection and saturday he kissed me. i kissed him on the cheek and it felt really odd. without thinking i blurted out, "i felt like i just kissed my brother." he looked at me and said what? i repeated and he asked why to which i had no answer. later that night while driving home he asked about it again. he said it had been on his mind through-out the day and that's where it all began. we talked the whole way home, we walked, we sat on the tailgate of his truck and in my living room until 4:30 am.

at 4:30 we were at a loss still. we spoke another hour and decided to cease discussion until the next day. sunday we spent hours talking again with no progress. i did a lot of crying both days. it was awful.

i felt so torn. was this what i really wanted? i asked him, what was it he wanted? he didn't know. finally at 10 pm, we decided to "take a break".

so, that's it. i planned on not telling anyone for awhile. i especially didn't want to tell knight because i didn't want him to think it was his fault or that it was because of him. but i slipped up and told him. i guess i needed to get it out to someone and ... it was him.


i don't know what to think anymore. of course knight made me feel fantastic. we chatted for hours. no, four hours. (lol) i'm sure things will get better. once i start school, i'll be so busy....

"I wake up scared, I wake up strange

I wake up wondering if anything in my life

is ever going to change

I wake up scared, I wake up strange

And everything around me stays the same"

~Barenaked Ladies~

No comments: