Wednesday, August 09, 2000

after thoughts

i feel as if i am in a daze. why am i making a big deal out of this? he is gone. he is not here. even if i wanted him here, he couldn't be. maybe he doesn't even want to be. i think he was one who said distance is hard.

am i in denial? is this how i can rid him from my mind? rationalization sucks. why am i jeopardizing what i already have when it seems there is no hope for anything else anyway.

i went through all this with dale. he loves me and wants to be with me. for two weeks i get his undivided attention...and then he disappears for awhile. then he comes back, then he disappears. i don't want an emotional roller coaster. that's why i finally stopped caring about him and it was a big joke when i saw him at the festival the other night.

but i feel as though something happened while my knight was here. it felt different than that dale thing. but how do i know? after all this time i feel confident that i really know him...but do i? and does he know all of me? would he feel the same if he knew all of me?

i'm probably making a bigger deal than he about this whole encounter. i don't know. i don't know what he's thinking or what his intentions were/are.

was this all a dream?

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