James has made me cry two days in a row. No these were not tears of joy, but tears of frustration and anger. I can't believe I'm writing about it here for everyone to read but ? Here it is. I'm sure this is what it means to be a mom and it's only downhill from here. I wonder if I've ever reduced my mother to tears? And I only have one kid-my mom had three!
Of course James has his naughty moments and bad days, but these past several days he has been exceptionally terrible. Are these the terrible twos creeping in? Yesterday I honestly felt like slapping him across the face I was so far at the end of my rope. As I sat there, in the mall, holding back tears, I thought, f-this I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'd rather go back to work and have time to myself again. He was inconsolable and I finally had to just leave. What a waste of time and gas money. (I was trying to shop for clothes to wear to a shower I have to go to)
Thankfully I had a mom's night out last night and came home feeling better. When I got up today I was ready for a new start. James on the other hand was disagreeable. (from the time I walked in to his room!) I brought him downstairs for breakfast and he was great until it was time to clean and wash up. It was a huge struggle to follow through with our usual routine. The thing is even though it was only nine o'clock, James seemed really tired. So tired that I put him down for a nap at 10:30 even though naptime is usually 11:30/12. He is sleeping! This must have been his problem yesterday too because it was way before his usual naptime when he was melting down.
So something needs adjusting. Earlier bedtime? I used to insist on an 8 bedtime with 8:15 being the latest he's up, but Jake's bedtime routine takes at least a half an hour and James has been going to bed at 8:30-9pm. After thinking about it more, I also hear him wake up in the morning when Jake's alarm keeps going off. So that means he is waking at 6:30. I don't know if he goes back to sleep or stays awake (because I am so exhausted I pass back out) until I get him at 8/8:30 but if he's staying awake, that is another problem.
So I'm not sure what I need to do but at least it's some relief that I'm not the world's most terrible mother. I feel bad for thinking such selfish thoughts about 'me time' as I am lucky to be able to stay home with James, but he's always with me. I rarely leave the house alone unless it is for a doctor/dentist appointment or hair appointment. I also agreed to host one mom's night out a month at a coffeehouse for my mommies group because it guarantees a few free hours a month just for me. Maybe we need some new routines around here or some new stuff to do. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut.
3 comments:
Trust me, you're not alone. I'm not even a SAHM, but one entire Saturday with Seth and I've had it. Makes me feel like a pretty lousy mom, but really it's just proof that everyone needs "me time." Best of luck in trying to strike a balance.
Thank you!
my mom has told us on occasion how we've driven her to tears when we were babies*. there's something wrong if you don't have balance in your life: mother, woman, wife, friend. i sincerely hope that your husband and family can support you as you figure it out. it's hard to determine roles, esp. as they are changing and evolving. ((((hugs))))
*as as i got older, i remember making her cry for other reasons!
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