I don't know how I've made it through the whole week. I think I've mainly just focused on getting through one day at a time and after it happened thought-ok, only x more days. I feel bad for James though because I've been on auto pilot and although I am attentive to him, I'm not giving him 100 percent of my attention. I'm mainly trying not to take out my frustrations on him. I keep reminding myself he's just a baby doing baby things, but those baby things really get on your nerves when you have throbbing pain in your face and your ear and throat hurt when you swallow. REALLY annoying when he's climbing all over you and all you want to do is curl into a ball and
I've found myself thinking a lot of silly things too. Today for example I was thinking about suicide. No not about committing suicide, I am against it. But I was thinking that if I had to deal with this kind of terrible pain for the rest of my life, maybe I could see why some people would rather die than look forward to another day/week/month/year of misery. Also, I'm not a religious person. I believe in God, but have issues with church and paying your salary towards it. But for the past few days I've been thinking about the Bible verse that says that God doesn't give you more than what you can handle. And I've been questioning it and cursing it. What the f-? Why must I handle this much? I made it another day, I guess I can handle it. I don't want to handle this. What's the lesson here? Tolerance? Damn it!
*sigh* This whole post sounds ridiculous and later I am sure I will reread it and want to delete it-but here it is. My life this week. I'm hoping things will go back to normal after I see the Doctor. It can only get better from here, right?