Wednesday, September 12, 2001

nine one one

what happened was a tragedy...but i'm sick of hearing about it already. i'm not insensitive, but there is no need to monopolize all television with it.

*sigh* yesterday i was scared that something might have happened to knight. he was in baltimore working. when i woke up, i had no idea what had happened. there was a bizarre message saying he was ok, then my sister called filling me in, and when i had turned on the television, my heart sunk, and i was filled with panic. the sights on tv made me cry and i was sick to my stomach with fear, not knowing where knight was or if things had happened after he had left the message or what.

but he is well.

i had a yucky dream last night. i can only remember bits and pieces of it. in it, i ran into dale at a store. he told me how he'd been thinking about me, and how he was divorcing his wife because he didn't love her anymore. he told me how he never stopped caring about me and wanted to be with me. i told him that i was sorry but, i was in love with someone else. so the dream continues, i don't remember bits and pieces, but dale keeps reappearing and trying to "woo" me. he keeps bringing me stuff that i like, roses, cards, teddy bears, art books. at one point in the dream, he shows up with an engagement ring. he tells me that by the time knight moves home, i'll be old...and that he can love me better and that he wants to marry me and have kids while we're young. i am stunned and upset to the point of crying. he keeps saying all these bad things about knight, that he doesn't really love me, if he loved me he'd be the one with the ring in front of me....i'm trying to defend knight, but he keeps going and going with the negatives. i don't remember what else happened in the dream.

i was thinking about how i can become so defensive over a lot of things. i'm wondering if it's because my mom was so critical of me while i was growing up. it seemed like nothing was ever good enough, or right, and i think that maybe because of this, i feel like everyone is criticising or judging me. i know that i'm very critical of myself, but perhaps most of my feelings stem from my upbringing.

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