Friday, October 06, 2000

2000 questions

i wish i could remember all the words to, "it's friday i'm in love" by the cure. bits and pieces are stuck in my head.

blah. i had so many ideas for this entry, but i'm so tired that i don't even know if i feel like dealing with them all.

haven't talked to knight in days. (or so it feels like) we chatted briefly a bit on wednesday, but i was trying to do two thousand things at once, and we weren't completely on par. i feel the need to have important conversations with him. you know, the over coffee kind of conversations. religion, education, goals, beliefs, dreams. i don't know where this is all coming from. i guess it stemmed fom a comment that knight made to me not too long ago in an e-mail (or during chat). he said something close to, "i feel like you think i'm closed-minded about music". i didn't think much of it at the time, but later, realized that i really don't know much about his music preferences. typically when we are chatting or when i see him, he's usually listening to classic rockish kind of stuff. i don't know how he feels about a lot of music type stuff. i like our chats because it gives me an opportunity to get to know more about him. i like when he sends me longer e-mails full of memories and thoughts too.

i was a bit bothered the other day that he was bothered by the fact that i discuss the situation with my ex. i have to say that my ex is pretty objective and neutral. the comments and suggestions he makes are typically what a casual observer/someone not involved might say. he might be biased because he is my ex, but he keeps those biased opinions to himself for the most part. i just don't understand why knight is bothered by it all. my ex is not telling me to not be with knight. the only real negative comment that he has made is in regards to knight's intentions. ex said he didn't like the fact that knight was still in another relationship. who wouldn't say this? i feel the same way.

i've been thinking. i know the current situation, but i am not exactly sure what role i play in all this. what am i? who am i? what am i supposed to be doing? who am i to him? what am i doing? in a way i feel like i am waiting. for what, i am not sure. why i am not sure. waiting to find out where things stand? where do things stand? i guess i'm the type of person who needs things clearly defined. my mind is playing tricks with me i think. am i waiting for knight to not be with his girlfriend? i don't think that will happen anytime soon, too much bs revolving around that. finances and feelings. as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to end things. should i be waiting? i don't know about that. i feel like things are in an odd place. what is the extent of their relationship? i've always felt that if it gets to the point of cheating, something is really wrong and there should not be a relationship. what is the extent of ours? what is our relationship classified as? is there a relationship? does he want me to wait? i'm not actively seeking relationships currently. why should i wait? i'm a confused girl. i feel as if this is one of the best things that has happened to me. people rarely find that someone that they "click" with. i don't want to lose that, but i don't want to wait 10 years to explore the possibilities.

i just don't know. it's late. these are all thoughts that have been running through my mind. knight is going to feel overwhelmed reading this. maybe he'll be annoyed, i dunno. i need some sleep. more to come soon.

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