Monday, August 07, 2000

Twisted Situations

Things are really crazy right now. Just when I thought I had everything in perspective, my whole world has turned upside down.

Years ago, I fought hard to get my knight out of my mind and heart. So many different things affected the beginnings of what I think would have been the greatest relationship in the world. I was heartbroken when I could not have him in my life anymore. We didn't speak for years. It took forever to find love again. It seemed that I was comparing everyone to him.

Now, while I am in a new relationship, years and years later...a relationship which took a great deal of time for me to committ to (was this a sign?), he is back. While we had re-established contact years ago, he has now decided to act upon feelings he's had. The man I am currently with is loving, supportive, treats me well. He is everything I could ask for. Am I happy though? If I were happy would I be going through this turmoil? He would do anything for me and would marry me, if I'd agree.

I am sure that my knight is this and more. I don't know what to do. While I do love the man in this new relationship, I am not sure what I feel for my knight. I loved him once and I don't know if I ever stopped. I'm not sure if his feelings for me are genuine. While he was here professing his feelings and wanting to share a kiss...I was torn. I wanted to say and do the same but felt guilty. I could not betray the trust of my current love. Ha! Current love...which one is he?

I wanted to hold him and love him...but what happens when he goes home? Is it fair for us to do this and then go back to our significant others? The thought of him holding his fair maiden makes me ill.

This entry is so disorganized. I can't get my thoughts straight. What am I feeling? I needed a place to get this all down. I have no one I can realy talk to. I am afraid to use real names just in case there is a remote chance that my current love should stumble across this site for some reason. He does not have regular computer access so I think I am safe.

I had always hoped that there would be another chance for my knight and I. I don't know what all this is currently or what it could amount to. Nothing? He is in an even bigger committment situation than I. Is this just a passing fancy of his? What about his significant other? Is this nostalgia or because there was no closure in our relationship?

Is this my heart or my head speaking? What should I do?

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